Still waiting..

I went to see Dr. Hall, the neurologist today. I was prepared for the worst, but knew I would probably leave with not much. I was not disappointed. Dr. Hall, was ok. Not the best bed side manner, but that is not always doctor's strong suits. He only had the results of my MRI not the films. The MRI was only of my neck, not my head. So he told me to continue the steriods, is sending me for bloodwork and another MRI. He will be out all next week, so we get to wait until Monday, OCtober 11 for anything further. That is the frustrating part. That and the fact that I still have symptoms. Not bad ones, but they have not gone completely away. It could be nothing or something. I do appreciate him not wanting to jump to any conclusions without any data to support it. But waiting for 12 more days will be hard. Most of the time I do fine, but worry and fear are constant enemies. I do love my friend Monica who texted...."So, is your brain ok?" Keeping it humorous! I needed that! Deep down I know that God is in control, He will not give me anything I cannot handle, I will be okay no matter what. When it gets hard that is what I remind myself.

Tomorrow

My appointment with the neurologist is tomorrow morning. I know will most likely will not get definite answers but will start a process. I am prepared to hear what he will say I think. "It could be due to contusion, MS, tumor....." The unknown is scary. I have been doing well not going down to many rabbit trails, but it has not been easy. Focusing on God's good and perfect will for me helps. I know He can totally heal me and that would glorify Him and that is my hope, but I also know if His Will is different and I must go down a hard road, that He will be with me and I will be able to do it. I am just ready to know, something.

Isaiah 2-4

I think one thing about Isaiah that has been intimidating is the fact that God is seen as Judge, His Judgement by the world's standards seems so harsh, mean, hateful. The world says "how can He be a God of love and allow such devastation, hopelessness, abandonment?" It is not that I believe the world, I have always struggled with how to respond back to this.

God is love. God is Judge. God is Holy. God is Perfect. God knows Best.

In chapter 2 we see in the last days people streaming to His exalted mountain, desiring to be in His presence so they can learn His laws and walk in His light. There is peace. But in Ch 3 we see how prideful and arrogant His people have become. So prideful and haughty, their eyes are blind to God's discipline, their ears are deaf to His words. They become angered and turn further away from Him. The result: being humbled, brought to their knees, under desolation, temporarily abandoned by God. What that looks like to the world is the aftermath of tsunami in SE Asia, Hurricane Katrina. How is THIS God's love?

But we know God discipline's those He loves. His purpose: to draw us back to Him. How is it loving to leave us in our state of pride and arrogance? The world would leave us that way. The world, in their anger and disgust, would throw up their hands and let us become a product of our choices. But not God, in His LOVE, He goes to the most extreme He can to SAVE us. He could throw up His hands and allow us to suffer the consequences of our choices. In the last days, there will be many that will do exactly that. But that gives Him no satisfaction. He is not about satisfaction, seeing us get what we deserve. He loves us even at our very worst and defiant and will do whatever He can to save us until it is IMPOSSIBLE. That is what God allows in Isaiah 3:1-4:1, the prideful to be humbled in hopes that at last they will look to HIM alone and SEE, REPENT, COME BACK. That is the most unselfish love.

He disciplines us because He loves us. I pray that my eyes will recognize His discipline in my life immediately so I can repent and be restored. My response should be gratitude not anger. He loves me enough to point out my sin that is keeping me from Him and His blessings He desires to shower me with. Some of those blessings are at the end of Ch 4. Such hope, such comfort, such peace.

^"2 In that day the Branch of the LORD will be beautiful and glorious, and the fruit of the land will

be the pride and glory of the survivors in Israel. ³ Those who are left in Zion, who remain in

Jerusalem, will be called holy, all who are recorded among the living in Jerusalem. ⁴ The Lord

will wash away the filth of the women of Zion; he will cleanse the bloodstains from Jerusalem

by a spirit of judgment and a spirit of fire. ⁵ Then the LORD will create over all of Mount Zion

and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night;

over all the glory will be a canopy. ⁶ It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and

a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain."

Those who are left will be called HOLY, all filth WASHED AWAY, CLEANSED, He will create a CANOPY, it will be a SHELTER, a SHADE, a REFUGE, a HIDING PLACE. When I recognize God's discipline as love and repent and obey these things are my blessings. I am cleansed, made clean, I feel clean, I can come to His mountain and listen to His ways and walk in His light. I am safe, safe from the evil one who constantly looks for ways to make me doubt, who desperately wants to claim me for his own. But under His canopy I am safe, unable to be snatched! God's love is good. Though the world may see it as mean and hateful and the opposite of love I am so grateful to be able to recognized it as love. I pray that the world's eyes will be opened to see how askew their definition of love has become and to be able to see the sometimes harsh discipline in their life as God's love calling them back into His shelter.

God is Good

When I posted on Friday and honestly talked about my fears...God gave me such peace. He is so good. I also noticed such improvement in how I felt physically. Not totally back to normal, but so much better. I know that may mean nothing, but it has improved my mental outlook, my stress level, my ability to focus on the here and now and not the what if. Peace, His perfect, full measure of peace. God is so good!

Trusting

I went in for an MRI on Monday morning. I was hoping that it would reveal the answers we needed to determine what is going on inside my body. They called me late Monday afternoon with the results, but I missed the call. So I had to wait until Tuesday morning to hear. The nurse was kind to call me so quickly. The results: hyperintense signal non conclusive, not limited to contusion, myelopathy, or MS. They referred me to a neurologist. I was in a bit of shock. Not sure what to think. Not much time to think. I was on my way to BSF leaders meeting in Grapevine because I missed my leader's mtg on Monday for the MRI. I called Brad. I called my BSF leader. She was a source of encouragement. She had a parallel experience 15 years ago. Was given a MS diagnosis, but it turned out to be a bone spur from a car wreck. I am aware of what MS can do, I looked up myelopathy on google, I read a little and then stopped. I do not need my mind going down those trails right now. The new steriod has helped with the numbness and hypersensitivity. But my right side does not feel right. I don't feel pain, but a strain on that side. I feel jittery at times. A dull headache at times. The numbness in my right toes I have felt from when Kennedy dropped a full sippy cup of milk 6 months ago has returned.

I am scared. Mostly of the unknown. But I keep singing one of Presley's songs..."When I am afraid I will trust in YOU, I will trust in YOU, I will in Trust in YOU. When I am afraid I will trust in YOU." I know this is an opportunity for me to Trust in the Lord and His provision, healing, care. This is an opportunity for God's glory to shine in me for others to see. Others are watching. Others may come to know Him through this storm. I of course am praying for complete healing, wisdom for my doctor, a quick and correct diagnosis. But I know WHATEVER happens, He is in control of all things, every detail and I can trust in HIM!

BSF

We have started the study of Isaiah. I am so excited about studying this book. I have read Isaiah before, but must admit, not retained or understood much. In reading the "Bible in 90 days" last summer, I knew Isaiah was an important book and tried to concentrate when I read it. That did not help me much. When I read through the New Testament I noticed that Isaiah was quoted often. Now I know the only other Old Testament book quoted more often is the book of Psalms. I had made up my mind that my summer study would be the book of Isaiah, then I found out BSF was going to add Isaiah to their rotations of studies.

I am not the only one excited about this study. Our intro class was packed, hardly a seat was empty in the auditorium. I am hearing the same stories about other intro class in the area. The men's class had 85 at their intro. The Monday night class had so many they were not sure they would all be placed.

I have begun my first lesson and am amazed at how already God is teaching me. I even printed off the Level 1 lesson for the 1st - 2nd graders and have begun to do it with Presley. It has been a sweet time that she and I have been able to spend together studying God's Word, and we are doing it through the book of Isaiah. She is learning about rebellion and forsaking the Lord and how much that grieves the Holy Spirit. She is learning that when we are not genuine in our prayers and worship of the Lord, the Lord does not listen to our prayers. She is also learning that even when people rebel and resist, if they willing choose to repent and return to the Lord and obey Him, he will bless them. But it is a choice! Choose to obey and be restored, choose to rebel and the Lord will allow you to fall by the sword. What powerful lessons for me to learn, and my 5 year old is listening, asking questions and learning. It is amazing! I am excited about being able to share this study with her!

A lesson in trusting God

I have a new insight and compassion on people who experience health problems. God is good to use your current circumstances to humble you and help you see things in new ways. I am now in the group of people who experience health problems that are not so easy to diagnose. It is frustrating, it is scary, it is a faith-building experience.

My entire right side is numb. It began on Monday, Sept 13th when I woke up. I knew it was not a normal kind of phenomenon, but I took a few advil and hoped it would go away. By mid-afternoon, what started in my hand and forearm began to travel down my torso and right leg. Getting into my primary doctor was impossible. He was booked. I spent the afternoon talking back and forth to his nurse. By 4 pm, the consensus was I needed a CT scan and that would have to be done at the ER. Not what I wanted to hear. Four hours later and $150 poorer, the CT scan came back normal, they gave me a 5 day prescription for a steroid and sent me on my way.

Wednesday, I was not better. I am not sure if I was worse, but the numbness was still there and there was a sense of coldness that invaded the entire right side of my body. I called to see when I could get into my primary doctor. He had been on vacation for two weeks and just returned. He was swamped and he does not work on Thursdays. My best shot was to call first thing Friday morning for an appt. I had my alarm set so I would not let 8am become 8:10. At 7:59 am I began calling. God was good, because I was able to get in at 11:50. My numbness has not gotten worse, it has not gotten better, but in talking with my doctor I do have some peace.

I will go for an MRI on Monday morning. I am praying it will give the answers we need. I am praying there will not be a need for a specialist and more testing. I am praying these new steroids that he has prescribed that will increase my appetite and retention of water that I do not want to take, will reduce the swelling quickly so I do not have to take them long.

But above all else, I want to learn what God wants to teach me. I know if I allow Him, He will be glorified through all of this. I am praying it will be over quickly. But I know His Will will be done and I need to be okay if it is not quick and trust in Him. Such a hard lesson to learn at times. But it is in the hard lessons that our faith is strengthened.