3rd Opinion

I went in for my third opinion today. Dr. Benjamin Greenberg at UT Southwestern. God was good to me in quickly connecting me with Mandi Lidell, via Julia Russell, the day after I was first diagnosed. It is because of her that I was able to get in so quickly. The lady I met in the waiting room this morning was on the waiting list for over a year before she got an appointment, I had to wait 7 weeks. I was not expecting a different result. God is good, He is healer, He is miracle worker, I believe He can heal me completely. Even though I do not know His plan or purpose in this diagnosis, I know he has one. I will trust in Him whether He choose to fully heal me or not. But I must admit, fear often creeps in, especially when I notice something a little off that is not what I would consider "Normal off." Like today, the tips of the last three fingers on my left hand are tingly. Typing on that side is a bit off. Fear, anxiety will creep in. But then I have to remember Philippians 4:6-7...Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Then I feel the peace of God. He is good. He is faithful. He is enough.

Back to my visit, I liked Dr Greenberg. He reminded me of a younger Doug Rhea. So kind, compassionate, listener, passionate about his work. I know he has given the same illustrations hundreds of times, but he sounded like it was his first. Very informative. One of my biggest questions was "How can you be certain I have MS?" The answer is you can't. I have had demylelinazation, because I had the numbness and temperature sensitivity on one side. I have had it in more than one location, by the white plaque spots on my brain and spine. But I have not had more than one episode. So they can only be 80%-90% sure I have MS. I could do a lumbar puncture. But it would not reduce the percentage. If it came back positive it would increase the percentage. The results would not change my options, to take medicine or not. If I chose not to do the daily injections I would come in for periodic MRI's. If another spot showed up, then they would be able to definitively tell me I had MS. Depending on the location of the spot, it could be asymptomatic or it could cause lots of problems. There is no way of knowing. So, for me, I have chosen to continue on my drug regiment of daily injections. He did show me my scans. He said my spots were small. He sees scans of people with golf ball sized spots. He said we would do a MRI yearly and they would compare them to my baseline MRI and see if any of my spots have grown in size (and if there are any new spots). This doctor is very numbers driven. He is active in research. He is currently trying to develop a blood test to diagnose MS, and he said they are close. He gives all the information so I can make the best choice for me. He talks to you. He is concerned about your emotional well being as well as the physical. At one point he was asking me how my injections were going, my response was I think they are going better than they are for Mandi or my cousin so I do not want to complain. His response, this is the place to complain. I like him, I like the clinic ( eventhough I am sure I will see people in wheelchairs everytime I come in). He did ease my fears about not being able to take care of my children, not being about to get out of bed one morning or being in a wheelchair. He said he was not concerned about any of those for me. Until 18 years ago, there was no treatment for people who were diagnosed with MS. But now there are several, all of which are good at preventing further damage, especially when you diagnosis it early. Eight weeks ago they came out with a pill, music to many ears. (All current medicines are injections). My doctor said the medicine I am on is good. There is 14 years worth of data, all good and no damage to my other vital organs. He said the pill is better, but since it is so new they do not have the long term data about its effects on the rest of your body. 250(worldwide) people have been on the pill for 6 years, and 6000 have been on it for 2 years. He said within the next two years I will be able to throw away my needles. That is gives me hope. And they are coming out with 6 more MS drugs in the near future, several of which are pills.

While I am not happy I still have MS, I do feel better knowing they caught it early. Early detection gives me the best hope for preventing the progression. The medicine deals with the prevention, it does not deal with the symptoms that are a result of the damage already done. But I feel lucky that so far those are mild in comparison to other people I have talked to that have MS. Right now, I can deal with this. But I do continue to pray for God's strength and peace. I pray that I will trust in Him fully, even when I am fearful. The doctor said that depression is a part of this disease. At some point, lots of MS patients deal with depression, not just "I received some bad news and a bit blue" depression, but real depression. Right now I am fine, but I pray that God will spare me of that in the future.

I am going to stay with this doctor. I had blood work done. I will go back in 6 months.

So it begins...

Everyone has been so kind to reach out to me considering my diagnosis. God has been so good to me. I feel His love through so many people here. I have only had a few moments of anxiety and fear in all of this. Someone gave me a plaque that I have placed on my dresser. It says, "Don't worry, I have everything under control, Love God" I needed that. God is in control of everything. I will be okay. But it is nice to have so many people reach out to me and remind me of God's love for me.

The training nurse came out last night to train me on my injections. She wanted to cancel because of the rain, but she did not. I was glad. It seems like this has gone on forever, Sept 13th. It is now November. I just want to get this medicine started. I know it takes a bit for it to build up in my system. I know God is in control, but I am hoping it will do what it is intended to do, drastically slow the progression of this disease. I have heard stories about people with MS that have not had flare ups for years, many years, I am hoping that will be my story.

I will be taking a shot everyday. Perhaps one day I will be able to take a pill. Perhaps one day they will find a cure. But for now, based on what I have heard from several MS patients, this daily drug has the least side effects. The draw back, it is daily. I gave the first injection in my right arm. The actual shot is nothing. I did not feel the needle or the medicine going in. About 30 seconds later, I began to feel the burn. I iced it. The bad burn only lasted about 5-10 minutes. I felt it for about another hour. My cousin said she thought the arms hurt the worst. I had a small bump from the injection. There was a slight red area on my arm. But when I woke up this morning, I could not tell where I gave the injection. My arm is slightly tender. But I do not give another shot in my right arm until next Tuesday. I am not sure if it will get worse. But it was not as bad as I was anticipating. I guess that is good.

One day at a time. That is how I am taking things. I am feeling good. I do not notice any systems. I feel almost normal. I hope this feeling lasts a long time!

2nd opinion

God has been so good to take care of me. When we got the actual diagnosis, I knew I needed to get a second opinion, but did not have a plan for doing so. How do you go about finding a good neurologist? Why would you know? God was good, I did not have to do any searching. Though other people He did the work for me.

I had my second opinion today. Dr. Thomas Trese. When I looked him up on the internet, I found that he was 60 years old, a professor at Texas College of Osteopathic Medicine (TCOM), writes and presents. His office was not too impressive, unchanged since 1971 (furniture included). The only staff member was Nurse Bob. He rode up the elevator with me, though by looking at him you would have thought he walked up the three flights of stairs. We won't even mention the huge, crooked scrape on his forehead. But he was very nice.

When Dr. Trese came in, he did not look like the picture I saw on the internet, (which is a good thing). He was very kind. He asked lots of question. He listened. His questioning was very comprehensive. My wreck, has anything like this happened before, previous surgeries, etc. He spent a good 15-20 minutes talking to me. He ended by asking if there was anything else I thought I needed to share. He looked at my films. He did a visual test. He took me out to show me my films and show me exactly what he saw. His diagnosis was the same as Dr. Hall's. The location and shape of the lesions on my brain and spine combined with the symptoms that I have had are consistent with MS. He talked with me about medication options. Answered questions that I had. He was easy to talk to. He did not act like he was in any hurry. He spent as much time with me as I needed. I really liked him. He gave me good advice and information.

I am not sure who I want to use as my primary neurologist. I liked Dr Trese. He was very easy to talked to, I felt like he really listened, but he is in downtown Fort Worth and it is a beat down to get there. There is only him in his practice. Dr. Hall has a wonderful staff, location wise he is close, he has been kind and though not as easy to talk to as Dr Trese, still communicates well. I have an appointment with Dr Benjamin Greenberg at UT Southwestern on Dec 2. He is young, but has great credentials. I will go see him and see what I think.

I got my medication in the mail today. I am waiting on my auto injector to arrive and then I will schedule the nurse to come out and teach me how to do everything.

I am feeling good, physically and mentally. Even though I still have MS, God has been good today!

October Girls Newsletter

1. When Presley was two she scraped her knee. It was a strawberry, barely a scrape. She cried for an hour. The next day she could not walk. She could not even lean down by her feet to retrieve a book. She was pitiful. Brad seriously asked if something might really be wrong. By the end of the evening she was dancing around and saying she was healed, it's a miracle. I should have known then, my drama queen, would cause me much grief and money! Fast forward to June of this year. She is now five. She has a mouth full of cavities. She must have inherited her father's teeth, because I have never had one cavity my entire life. There are two that must be filled, the other five can just be monitored. Based on previous experience, (see above), I had a bad feeling the dentist visit would not go well. I was not disappointed. They put the nose on for the gas and she totally freaked. The dentist suggested we go the anesthesiologist route and that if we chose that route we should fill ALL her cavities not just the two. I know most dentists do the drink that sedates them but not the dentist we go to. Our hygienist is a friend from church and she said she would go the anesthesiologist route instead the sedation drink route because it was safer. I have put it off for several months. I was hoping with time and the fact that she survived a major surgery would give her the courage to get her cavities filled like a normal person. We went in to get our teeth cleaned, she freaked. One of the two cavities has gotten larger. We have been flossing and brushing diligently. They said we did not need to wait much longer to get them taken care of. In June I think the total cost was going to be $2800. I am guessing that price has not changed. Brad is depressed.

2. About six weeks ago, I woke up with my right hand and arm numb. When the numbness started to travel down my torso and down my leg, I decided I should probably get it checked out. I was unable to get into my primary doctor. He sent me to the ER to get a CT scan. It came back normal. They gave me some steroids and sent me home. The numbness got a little better, but I was having temperature sensitivity issues that were not getting better. I called my primary doctor again. He sent me for a MRI of my neck and gave me a stronger steroid. It came back with a hyper intense signal unknown cause with several possible causes, most I cannot pronounce. So he sent me to see a neurologist. The neurologist sent me for a MRI of my brain. The neurologist went out of town for a week, so I had to wait 11 days before I got my results. When Brad and I went in to see him I was given the diagnosis I had expected, but not what I was hoping for... he diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS).

I have a cousin with MS. She is a year younger than me and was diagnosed 11 years ago. So I have some familiarity with this disease, but not much. It is an auto immune disease that affects your nerves. Basically the body produces antibodies that attack the fatty substance that protects the nerves. It affects everyone differently based on what nerves are attacked. A white lesion appears on a MRI showing the areas of your brain and/or spine that have been attacked. I have 4 in my brain and 1 on my spine. They think the one on my spine has caused the numbness on my right side. MS is something that is not curable. Most people have the relapse-remitting form of MS, which means they have flare ups of symptoms followed by periods of remission. I am hoping I fall in this category. The doctor feels like it has been detected early,which is good. The medication helps to prevent future lesions from forming. When detected early they have a good success. The bad news, EVERY choice of medication involves a needle and side effects. The once a month IV option runs a higher risk of contracting a rare brain virus that they say is no longer fatal, but does really scramble your brain if you get it. Needless to say, we are not doing that option. The once a week shot makes you feel like you have the flu and about the time you start to feel better, it is time for another shot. I was advised to avoid this one. One you take every three days and another you take every other day, I am not sure I can remember every three days or every other, so those are out for the time being. The one I have chosen is the every day shot. Not looking forward to it, I should start sometime next week. All the people I have talked to are using this option and say other than some site injections issues, there are not other side effects.

I am going for a second opinion on Thursday with a doctor in Fort Worth and then a third opinion with a doctor at UT Southwestern on Dec 2. I know God is the Ultimate Healer and/or that the diagnosis could be wrong, but I have a feeling this diagnosis will not change. I am not sure how to explain it, but I have had the feeling that for sometime God has been preparing for an upcoming struggle/suffering, and I have felt like it would be something to do with my health. But God has been so good. He has taken such good care of me. Brad was with me when I got the news. Brad and I knew MS was a possibility, so we had prepared ourselves for this news. The very night I got the news, I was able to talk to my cousin. The next morning, I ran into a girl from church at preschool drop off and she asked how my appointment went. When I told her, she told me about another mom at the preschool who was diagnosed with MS just last year and hooked us up that afternoon. Her friend has a doctor at UT Southwestern and said she would email him to see if he would see me. The next morning, her doctor replied and said he would see me. I had the appointment that afternoon for December 2. At this clinic, you fill out a 16 page questionnaire, send in your films and then they contact you if they DECIDE to see you. So I feel so blessed that he agreed to see me at all. I got in, so many others do not! And the 16 page questionnaire, is very comprehensive. I feel good about getting to see him and hearing what he has to say! God has been so good to send people who have MS into my life to talk to and hear how they are doing and how they have handled this disease. It has kept my spirits in check. The people at Brad's work have been so sweet to him. Each one as they came into work the day after we got the news, came by to ask how it went. Because we did not want to look on the Internet, several of them searched for us and gave us some information that was helpful and not scary. His dad has a good friend whose good friend is a neurosurgeon in Fort Worth. His friend called in a favor and the neurosurgeon personally called me and set up an appointment with his colleague in Fort Worth that deals with MS patients. I am going on Thursday.

MS is a scary disease and I do have my times I am scared. Scared of the unknown. Scared I may be one of the ones who do not fall into the normal MS category. But most of the time I am doing good. I still deal with lingering issues caused by the damage to my nerves. Some days I notice them more than others. But I would say I feel pretty good. God has given me a full measure of His peace. I am getting to experience Him in an entirely new way. Daily dependence on Him has taken on a new meaning. When I am afraid I am trusting in Him. I know he has a plan for me and I am trusting in that plan. He is my provider, my sustainer. He is enough. God is good.

3. Because I do not want to end on a downer.......we are taking the girls to the most magical place on earth in a few weeks.... Disney World. I am getting so excited. Kennedy is three and growing up. When we booked the trip in February I was hoping she would be fun to take on this trip, but now I know she will be fun to take on this trip. Both girls are going to have so much fun. I cannot wait to enjoy this with them!!!!

Love to you all,

DeAnne

Now I know...

I have been feeling better. The numbness and sensitivity to temperature much better. Normal, not really. Hard to explain. It is not pain. It is tingling, a heaviness, a strain type of feeling that could be from my shoulder all the way down my right side or just in my hand and forearm or in my foot and lower leg. Now, it comes and goes. The side effects from the stereoids were jitteriness and sleeplessness. I stopped taking those last Wednesday. When I noticed some numbness return on Thursday, I was worried. But it went away. The white spots in my vision has become a problem since my first visit to the neurologist. Some days are worse than others. Looking at computer screens, tv's, sunlight, anything illuminated makes it worse. But today, that has been better.

I went to the doctor yesterday to hear the results of my second MRI. Brad went with me. I had been preparing myself. Brad said he had been preparing himself. The doctor showed us the MRI and the four white spots on my brain. My symptoms along with where the white spots are on my brain and my spine are enough to conclude that I have MS. I knew it was coming. I was not caught by surprise. Because there was only four spots, the doctor felt like we caught it early. Early detection means they have a better chance at halting the progress with drugs. He spent much of his time explaining the different drug options that were available. We asked a few questions. I did not feel rushed. He seemed very competent. I did feel comfortable with him. He told us to take some time to decide and make an appointment to come back in a week or so.

I did pretty good. I stayed calm during most of the appointment. My voice did get shaky and my eyes watery toward the end of the appointment. I think it is the unknown, the possibility of how bad it can get that is so scary. I do not want to look on the internet, that will just take me down paths that my mind does not need to travel down. Right now I am fine. I can live like this. But what path will this MS take in me? That is the question and there is no answer. The doctor says when you diagnosis MS early and begin the medication they experience much success in preventing the progression of MS.

I was able to talk to my cousin for a long time that night. She was diagnosed 11 years ago when she was 27. I have watched her. I know it has not been easy. But she is strong. She is a fighter. She does not feel sorry for herself. She does not complain. She deals with what she needs to deal with and she goes on about living life. I appreciate her example. I appreciate her encouragement. I appreciate her time. I appreciate her honesty.

Many people have been praying for me. None knew MS was a possibility. My standard response was prepared....."It is what I expected to hear, but not what I had hoped for, they have diagnosed me with MS." I knew I would be asked on Tuesday at preschool and I was. I ran into two fellow BSF leaders after I dropped off Kennedy. I gave them my prepared response. Julia quickly said, "One of the mom's in Addie's class last year was diagnosed with MS about this time last year. She found a doctor she really liked. I will call her when I leave here and find out who it is and see if you can talk to her." I did talk to her at pick up. God was so good to quickly send me a MS friend who could talk to me. My primary doctor was quick to call be back on Tuesday morning to talk to me about the doctor he referred me to and about getting a second opinion. It could have been a depressing day, if I would have chosen it to be. But I chose to get out, do my routine, be honest and God blessed me with encouragement and hope.

Brad offered to stay home from work and spend it with me. I told him I really appreciated it and that I thought I would be fine and would take a rain check for a day I was having a pity party. He went to work and each person as they came in asked how my appointment went. Every one was so kind and supportive. Because we were scared to look on the internet for information, two guys at work did some searching and found some good information that did not have any doom and gloom for us. It was an overview of MS, it's symptoms and the treatment options. It was good information and I appreciate them finding it for us so we did not have to see any of the other scary stuff out there.

Right now I am feeling good. After talking to my cousin and the girl from preschool, I am feeling lucky. This flare up, attack whatever you want to call it, is mild. If the medicine can keep it like this forever or for a long time, I can do this. Both people feel like the medicine has been helpful in keeping their MS from progressing. That is encouraging. I plan on getting a second opinion. I am working on finding a doctor. I do not know how long it will take to get into see another doctor. We will see.

This is what I know. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. Even in this, He has been good to me. I do not know what the future holds. I know that I can only deal with today. Today His grace has been sufficient. Tomorrow I will trust in Him, in His provision, in His care.

God is good

I went in for the MRI of my brain today. Last Wednesday, when I found out that I would have to wait over 10 days before I would know any results I was frustrated. But God has been so good to me. I have really been able to lay my fears and concerns at His feet. I know He is in control of every thing, every detail. He knows the number of hairs on my head. He has plans for me, plans to prosper and for my future. All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. When I am afraid I can trust in Him. God has given me a full measure of His peace, comfort and sustainment during this long waiting period. I do not know what the results will be. I do not know what road I will be heading down. But I do know I can do all things through Christ! I can trust in Him. Today His grace is sufficient!!!!

Still waiting..

I went to see Dr. Hall, the neurologist today. I was prepared for the worst, but knew I would probably leave with not much. I was not disappointed. Dr. Hall, was ok. Not the best bed side manner, but that is not always doctor's strong suits. He only had the results of my MRI not the films. The MRI was only of my neck, not my head. So he told me to continue the steriods, is sending me for bloodwork and another MRI. He will be out all next week, so we get to wait until Monday, OCtober 11 for anything further. That is the frustrating part. That and the fact that I still have symptoms. Not bad ones, but they have not gone completely away. It could be nothing or something. I do appreciate him not wanting to jump to any conclusions without any data to support it. But waiting for 12 more days will be hard. Most of the time I do fine, but worry and fear are constant enemies. I do love my friend Monica who texted...."So, is your brain ok?" Keeping it humorous! I needed that! Deep down I know that God is in control, He will not give me anything I cannot handle, I will be okay no matter what. When it gets hard that is what I remind myself.

Tomorrow

My appointment with the neurologist is tomorrow morning. I know will most likely will not get definite answers but will start a process. I am prepared to hear what he will say I think. "It could be due to contusion, MS, tumor....." The unknown is scary. I have been doing well not going down to many rabbit trails, but it has not been easy. Focusing on God's good and perfect will for me helps. I know He can totally heal me and that would glorify Him and that is my hope, but I also know if His Will is different and I must go down a hard road, that He will be with me and I will be able to do it. I am just ready to know, something.

Isaiah 2-4

I think one thing about Isaiah that has been intimidating is the fact that God is seen as Judge, His Judgement by the world's standards seems so harsh, mean, hateful. The world says "how can He be a God of love and allow such devastation, hopelessness, abandonment?" It is not that I believe the world, I have always struggled with how to respond back to this.

God is love. God is Judge. God is Holy. God is Perfect. God knows Best.

In chapter 2 we see in the last days people streaming to His exalted mountain, desiring to be in His presence so they can learn His laws and walk in His light. There is peace. But in Ch 3 we see how prideful and arrogant His people have become. So prideful and haughty, their eyes are blind to God's discipline, their ears are deaf to His words. They become angered and turn further away from Him. The result: being humbled, brought to their knees, under desolation, temporarily abandoned by God. What that looks like to the world is the aftermath of tsunami in SE Asia, Hurricane Katrina. How is THIS God's love?

But we know God discipline's those He loves. His purpose: to draw us back to Him. How is it loving to leave us in our state of pride and arrogance? The world would leave us that way. The world, in their anger and disgust, would throw up their hands and let us become a product of our choices. But not God, in His LOVE, He goes to the most extreme He can to SAVE us. He could throw up His hands and allow us to suffer the consequences of our choices. In the last days, there will be many that will do exactly that. But that gives Him no satisfaction. He is not about satisfaction, seeing us get what we deserve. He loves us even at our very worst and defiant and will do whatever He can to save us until it is IMPOSSIBLE. That is what God allows in Isaiah 3:1-4:1, the prideful to be humbled in hopes that at last they will look to HIM alone and SEE, REPENT, COME BACK. That is the most unselfish love.

He disciplines us because He loves us. I pray that my eyes will recognize His discipline in my life immediately so I can repent and be restored. My response should be gratitude not anger. He loves me enough to point out my sin that is keeping me from Him and His blessings He desires to shower me with. Some of those blessings are at the end of Ch 4. Such hope, such comfort, such peace.

^"2 In that day the Branch of the LORD will be beautiful and glorious, and the fruit of the land will

be the pride and glory of the survivors in Israel. ³ Those who are left in Zion, who remain in

Jerusalem, will be called holy, all who are recorded among the living in Jerusalem. ⁴ The Lord

will wash away the filth of the women of Zion; he will cleanse the bloodstains from Jerusalem

by a spirit of judgment and a spirit of fire. ⁵ Then the LORD will create over all of Mount Zion

and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night;

over all the glory will be a canopy. ⁶ It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and

a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain."

Those who are left will be called HOLY, all filth WASHED AWAY, CLEANSED, He will create a CANOPY, it will be a SHELTER, a SHADE, a REFUGE, a HIDING PLACE. When I recognize God's discipline as love and repent and obey these things are my blessings. I am cleansed, made clean, I feel clean, I can come to His mountain and listen to His ways and walk in His light. I am safe, safe from the evil one who constantly looks for ways to make me doubt, who desperately wants to claim me for his own. But under His canopy I am safe, unable to be snatched! God's love is good. Though the world may see it as mean and hateful and the opposite of love I am so grateful to be able to recognized it as love. I pray that the world's eyes will be opened to see how askew their definition of love has become and to be able to see the sometimes harsh discipline in their life as God's love calling them back into His shelter.

God is Good

When I posted on Friday and honestly talked about my fears...God gave me such peace. He is so good. I also noticed such improvement in how I felt physically. Not totally back to normal, but so much better. I know that may mean nothing, but it has improved my mental outlook, my stress level, my ability to focus on the here and now and not the what if. Peace, His perfect, full measure of peace. God is so good!

Trusting

I went in for an MRI on Monday morning. I was hoping that it would reveal the answers we needed to determine what is going on inside my body. They called me late Monday afternoon with the results, but I missed the call. So I had to wait until Tuesday morning to hear. The nurse was kind to call me so quickly. The results: hyperintense signal non conclusive, not limited to contusion, myelopathy, or MS. They referred me to a neurologist. I was in a bit of shock. Not sure what to think. Not much time to think. I was on my way to BSF leaders meeting in Grapevine because I missed my leader's mtg on Monday for the MRI. I called Brad. I called my BSF leader. She was a source of encouragement. She had a parallel experience 15 years ago. Was given a MS diagnosis, but it turned out to be a bone spur from a car wreck. I am aware of what MS can do, I looked up myelopathy on google, I read a little and then stopped. I do not need my mind going down those trails right now. The new steriod has helped with the numbness and hypersensitivity. But my right side does not feel right. I don't feel pain, but a strain on that side. I feel jittery at times. A dull headache at times. The numbness in my right toes I have felt from when Kennedy dropped a full sippy cup of milk 6 months ago has returned.

I am scared. Mostly of the unknown. But I keep singing one of Presley's songs..."When I am afraid I will trust in YOU, I will trust in YOU, I will in Trust in YOU. When I am afraid I will trust in YOU." I know this is an opportunity for me to Trust in the Lord and His provision, healing, care. This is an opportunity for God's glory to shine in me for others to see. Others are watching. Others may come to know Him through this storm. I of course am praying for complete healing, wisdom for my doctor, a quick and correct diagnosis. But I know WHATEVER happens, He is in control of all things, every detail and I can trust in HIM!

BSF

We have started the study of Isaiah. I am so excited about studying this book. I have read Isaiah before, but must admit, not retained or understood much. In reading the "Bible in 90 days" last summer, I knew Isaiah was an important book and tried to concentrate when I read it. That did not help me much. When I read through the New Testament I noticed that Isaiah was quoted often. Now I know the only other Old Testament book quoted more often is the book of Psalms. I had made up my mind that my summer study would be the book of Isaiah, then I found out BSF was going to add Isaiah to their rotations of studies.

I am not the only one excited about this study. Our intro class was packed, hardly a seat was empty in the auditorium. I am hearing the same stories about other intro class in the area. The men's class had 85 at their intro. The Monday night class had so many they were not sure they would all be placed.

I have begun my first lesson and am amazed at how already God is teaching me. I even printed off the Level 1 lesson for the 1st - 2nd graders and have begun to do it with Presley. It has been a sweet time that she and I have been able to spend together studying God's Word, and we are doing it through the book of Isaiah. She is learning about rebellion and forsaking the Lord and how much that grieves the Holy Spirit. She is learning that when we are not genuine in our prayers and worship of the Lord, the Lord does not listen to our prayers. She is also learning that even when people rebel and resist, if they willing choose to repent and return to the Lord and obey Him, he will bless them. But it is a choice! Choose to obey and be restored, choose to rebel and the Lord will allow you to fall by the sword. What powerful lessons for me to learn, and my 5 year old is listening, asking questions and learning. It is amazing! I am excited about being able to share this study with her!

A lesson in trusting God

I have a new insight and compassion on people who experience health problems. God is good to use your current circumstances to humble you and help you see things in new ways. I am now in the group of people who experience health problems that are not so easy to diagnose. It is frustrating, it is scary, it is a faith-building experience.

My entire right side is numb. It began on Monday, Sept 13th when I woke up. I knew it was not a normal kind of phenomenon, but I took a few advil and hoped it would go away. By mid-afternoon, what started in my hand and forearm began to travel down my torso and right leg. Getting into my primary doctor was impossible. He was booked. I spent the afternoon talking back and forth to his nurse. By 4 pm, the consensus was I needed a CT scan and that would have to be done at the ER. Not what I wanted to hear. Four hours later and $150 poorer, the CT scan came back normal, they gave me a 5 day prescription for a steroid and sent me on my way.

Wednesday, I was not better. I am not sure if I was worse, but the numbness was still there and there was a sense of coldness that invaded the entire right side of my body. I called to see when I could get into my primary doctor. He had been on vacation for two weeks and just returned. He was swamped and he does not work on Thursdays. My best shot was to call first thing Friday morning for an appt. I had my alarm set so I would not let 8am become 8:10. At 7:59 am I began calling. God was good, because I was able to get in at 11:50. My numbness has not gotten worse, it has not gotten better, but in talking with my doctor I do have some peace.

I will go for an MRI on Monday morning. I am praying it will give the answers we need. I am praying there will not be a need for a specialist and more testing. I am praying these new steroids that he has prescribed that will increase my appetite and retention of water that I do not want to take, will reduce the swelling quickly so I do not have to take them long.

But above all else, I want to learn what God wants to teach me. I know if I allow Him, He will be glorified through all of this. I am praying it will be over quickly. But I know His Will will be done and I need to be okay if it is not quick and trust in Him. Such a hard lesson to learn at times. But it is in the hard lessons that our faith is strengthened.

Again

On Monday we went in for Presley's VCGU and renal sonogram. Brad was not able to go with me because Kennedy had a 101 fever. (It was just a virus). Presley was scared, but I was very proud of her. It was hard for me, I did want to shed tears on several occasions, but I did not. I was very grateful for the sedation, glad Presley did not have do the test awake.

The people at Plano Pediatric Imaging were very kind. They explained what they were looking for and what they saw (as opposed to having to waiting for my dr appointment). The test did show bilateral reflux (both tubes). It was a grade III on one side and a grade III/IV on the other side. (The highest grade is IV). The renal sonogram showed some fluid on one side. Th dr said she thought Dr Ewalt would probably recommend a low dose antibiotic for a year and then re evaluate.

The entire test lasted about 15 minutes and then we were taken back to a recovery room. The nurse brought Presley three dum dum suckers for her to choose from. When she moved the bed to sit Presley up, Presley began to wake up and cry for a second, but just a second. Presley chose the cherry one first, then changed to the watermelon one. But Presley says she does not remember choosing a sucker. As soon as Presley was all the way awake she said she really needed to go to the restroom, so I ran her to the restroom. We did stayed long enough for Presley to change back into her clothes and drink a little sprite, then we headed out to our appointment with Dr Ewalt.

We had just enough time to get to Dr Ewalt's office (with a short stop at CVS for a drink and snack). Dr Ewalt was running a little behind due to a surgerical delay, so we began with the PA. The PA looked at the films from the test and explained that Presley did have reflux of a grade III on both sides. She said Dr Ewalt was always up on the latest research and felt that he would recommend surgery over a low dose antibiotic route. She said the research showed that 95% of children who are 4 years or older who show reflux of a grade III or higher who did the antibiotic regiment had to have the surgery to correct the problem. Dr Ewalt did join us and apologized that he was running behind. He looked at the films and recommended what the PA said said he would recommend.

I was not prepared to hear this news. I really wanted to cry, but I did not. I remember my surgery, this exact surgery. I was in the hospital for at least a week, I remember being in pain, lots of pain. Both the PA and the doctor assured me that the procedure has changed tremendously over the years. Among the many changes is the size of the incision, it is much smaller. It is now just an overnight stay. He said they did this procedure on a 3 year old late Friday, she was home by mid afternoon on Saturday and by Monday the little girl was feeling good.

So we scheduled the surgery for Friday, August 6th.

We are calling it a "procedure" instead of "surgery" so Presley will not freak out.

My conversation with Presley as we walk out to the car from the dr appointment:

P- "Mom, I don't want to have another test."

M- "I know, but we need to fix the problem so it won't become worse."

P- "Well I will just run away from home so you cannot find me."

M- "But you would miss all of your family."

P- "You're right. But I really don't want to do this again."

M- "I understand, but you you were so brave."

P- " No I was not brave, I was scared."

M- "It is okay to be scared."

Since then, Presley has overheard me talking about the procedure on the phone to our family members. I overheard Presley tell her Dad that her procedure was going to be on August 6th. She has been okay so far. I pray that will continue.

Freedom

Today is July 4th. A historic day, the day of our nation's independence from Britain. I have a feeling the first several 4th of July's were emotional for those who celebrated them. The early settlers understood what it meant to be free. Freedom to pursue their unalienable rights, that among these are, Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. My entire life I have enjoyed these freedoms. Freedom is all I have ever known, the cost of that freedom rarely enters my mind. The founding fathers and early settlers of our country knew freedom came at a cost, blood. Many men and women have given their lives to ensure that I am free. Today, there are men and women in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other unknown locations, willing to shed their blood to protect my freedom. Not just my freedom, but freedom for my children, grandchildren and the many generations to come. I am grateful for my freedom and I am grateful to the many men and women who have fought to secure it.

There is one who shed His blood so I could enjoy another kind of freedom, freedom in Christ. But unlike the freedom I enjoy as an American, where blood has to be shed over and over to ensure my freedom, Christ died ONCE. His sacrifice, His blood that was shed on the cross guarantees my freedom and the freedom for all generations past, present and future.

Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow
No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

The blood of Jesus ransomed me from the slavery of sin.
The blood of Jesus rescued me from the consequences of my sin, eternal damnation.
The blood of Jesus makes me as white as snow, righteous in the sight of God.
The blood of Jesus secures my salvation.

While America has continued to fight when a new foe has risen to threaten our freedom, the blood shed by Christ and His resurrection has FOREVER defeated our spiritual enemy, Satan. Our enemy has been defeated, Jesus is the victor. There is no need for any further blood shed. Jesus has won! My salvation is secure! I have no reason to fear, no reason to question, no reason to worry. I have chosen to put Christ on as my savior and as a result I get to enjoy the freedoms of being in Christ and no one, nothing can ever take them away.

It is a great day to be an American and to be a child of God!
Freedom that should be cherished not just today, but everyday!

Overview of John

John
Lesson 2
Notes

John's ultimate purpose was that through believing, the reader will have life. This eternal life, a quality of life that BEGINS NOW but reaches into etenity and never ends. p.1

I have never thought about ETERNAL LIFE beginning NOW, affecting the quality of life I live NOW. But after studying this book, I know, without a doubt, that my quality of life on this earth is positively affected because I believe!

Today, people divide themselves into one of two groups when they are presented in the full glory of Jesus Christ, His redemptive work and His undeviating demands upon every human being. Some respond with grateful faith. Others, the majority, choose the path of indifference or rejection that ultimately leads to direct opposition to the light and eternal life, which comes from Jesus Christ. p. 2

I am amazed that people could respond to the FULL glory of Jesus with indifference. Yet, often times I respond with indifference. Do I choose to MAKE time to put Him, His words, and His requirements FIRST in my life? If I were to answer this question honestly, it would be sometimes. When I feel like it, when it works out, when I do not let my love for sleep to win. Today, Monday, June 14th at 2:34PM I would have to answer no. Him, His words, His requirements are in my life, but I have not choosen to make them first, not my first fruits, the first thing I do each day. Why? I have excuses, good excuses. There will always be excuses, good excuses. But none good enough. I can see a difference in me. Not a good difference. I can see the one I use to be rising up in me again. The cure, is to put Him, His words, His requirements FIRST. By first, I mean first thing in the morning. Time that is uninterrupted by my beautiful children. I know He has washed me white and that I am forgiven. I know He desires to spend time, uninterrupted time with me so He can lavish me with His love. Sleep should not be such a huge temptation for me to overcome, yet each morning I battle. Satan tempts me with the lack of sleep I have had during the night due to circumstances beyond my control. Tomorrow I pray that God will give me the desire to overcome the temptation so I can be lavished by His love!
dflke

1 Week Later

In Christ Alone

Verse 4

No guilt in life,

no fear in death,

This is the power of Christ in me;

From life’s first cry to final breath.

Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell,

no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.

It is one week later. I remember Rick Atchley using an illustration in one of his sermons about how one of the members of our military would sing this verse of this song as he patrolled the dangerous streets in Iraq. This verse gave him peace and comfort, reminding him who truly was in control of his destiny. This man who faces death every minute of every day can have peace because of the power of Christ in him. It is the peace that I have because of the power of Christ in me.

Another one of my favorite christian songs right now is Our God (Is Greater) by Chris Tomlin. (A fellow Aggie :)) My favorite part is the brigde:

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

What can stand against?

This year, more than ever, God has reaffirmed that HE is in control of my destiny. And if my God is for me (and I am fully confident that He is) then no power of hell, no scheme of man, no one and no thing can stand against His Will for my life. That knowledge allows the POWER of Christ in me.

I felt His power the moment I saw the 18 wheeler in my rear view mirror and knew that he was going to hit my car. There was no fear, no thinking "What am I going to do", no worry about what was about to happen, there was peace. Peace because my God is for me. Peace because the power of Christ resides in me.

What can stand against? Well not an 18 wheeler who hit me hard enough to push my car and the 4 cars in front of me over 81 feet before we came to a rest.

My God is greater,

My God is stronger

God You are higher than any other

My God is Healer,

awesome and power

My God, My God...

HTL #1 John

Notes from the Home Training Lesson #1 for the Study of John

Rich learning
Share much of what we learn with one another and others

That Presley and Kennedy will learn:
*Obedience and Cooperation with their leaders
*The appropriate give and take that comes from being with other children
*The discipline of a quiet, learning attitude for times of Bible storytelling and hymn singing
*The joy that comes with a grateful and appreciative heart
They will learn:
* to recognize and understand new vocabulary words of beauty and power from God's Word.
*to recall many stories from the Word
*to enjoy singing meaningful hymns

I have seen many changes and developments in their hearts, minds and actions of Presley and Kennedy because of the time they have spent in BSF.

Bible Reading:
Psalms 119:9-16

How can Presley and Kennedy keep their way pure?
By living according to your word.
I pray they will seek you with all their heart;
do not let them stray from your commandments.
I pray Your Word will be hidden in their hearts
that they might not sin against you.
Praise be to you, O Lord;
teach Presley and Kennedy your decress.
With their lips they recount all the laws that come from Your mouth.
I pray they will rejoice in following Your statues
as one rejoices in great riches.
I pray they will meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.
I pray they will delight in your decress;
that Presley and Kennedy will not neglect your Word.

John 1:1-3
In the beginning was THE WORD,
and THE WORD was with God,
and THE WORD was God.
(Through the gift and power of the Holy Spirit THE WORD is with me!)
He was with God in the beginning.
THE WORD - is the trinity. 3 in 1. A concept I have difficulty understanding. But after the study of John I understand just a smidge better. But Presley, at the tender age of 5, has such a greater understanding of God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. She grasps that they are 3 but 1. God lives in her heart. God speaks to her. The Holy Spirit that lives in her heart is really God! No questions, no wondering, no understanding of what is so difficult to grasp. He is 3 and He is 1. It just is. I want her faith!
But next comes my favorite verse, verse 3.
"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made."
Without Him nothing. How easy to forget, how easy I forget. Without HIM nothing.
He chose me before creation, He chose my husband before creation, He chose my children before creation! All that I am, all that I have, all that is yet to come, is from HIM. As long as I am in Him, I will enjoy His blessing, but if I chose to step outside His will, WITHOUT HIM nothing. Nothing! Nothing good, no peace, no real joy, no happiness, no abundant life.

John 20:30-31
John 21:24-25
"Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."

What I know of Jesus I have learned from His Word. The study of John has helped to know Jesus in a more intimate, personal way. I saw a Jesus who was fully God, but in the form of Man, fully surrendered to His Father and His Father's Will. Never once did He do His own Will. Every minute of every day, He did the work of the one who sent Him. Focused, Obedient, Radiating His Father. If you know Jesus, you know His Father because Jesus was God in the flesh. The power that was in Jesus as the Son of God and the Son of Man lives in me. I have that power in me. Yet that power is limited. Not because God is limited, but because I limit it by pursing my will over the will of the one who created me. What I know about Jesus' work while He was here on earth is finite, limited to what is recorded in the Word. But Jesus did MANY OTHER THINGS! So many other great, wonderful, miraculous, life changing things. I know this is true, but have never pondered it much.

"If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."

The WHOLE WORLD would not have room. Incomprehensible!

But it should not be. When I look at my life and the wonderful, great, incredible, miraculous, life changing things He has done just this week, it is enough to fill pages. My life alone could fill volumes. Big things and small things. God is good. God is great. I am grateful to gain a better, deeper understanding of who God is and how much I still need to learn!

Praise

This has been a year of difficulty. Difficult family situations. Difficult health issues. But through all the difficulty, all the trials, all the sorrow, God has been so good. Being able to experience joy in the sorrow has been a blessing.

Brad and I knew we were entering into this phase of trial. We expected and prepared for the worst. We've experienced misunderstanding. We've experienced anger and tears. We prayed. We tried to handle each and every situation to the best of our ability. We are not perfect. We did not do all things right. Looking back, there are things we could have done better. But we did try our best.

I have been praying. Praying for healing. Not just for our immediate family, but for the extended members as well. For me it has not been as difficult, because it is not my parents, sister, or family friend. At 10 years, I am the newest member of the family, I came in at the end. I saw and experienced some of the pain, but most had already occurred. By the time I joined the family, they were already well down this path. My position has been to be supportive of my husband. I am so proud of how he has handled and led our family through this situation.

I praise God today because I can see a small light ahead. Even though it has been difficult and hard for everyone involved, I know everyone has done their best to still love. We have been in the middle for so long. But today we get to look back on this situation, instead of being in this situation. It is a new place, we have just begun this place, but we have begun. Healing has begun. A healthy healing.

There are still many obstacles, hurdles, painful moments that lie ahead. I know Satan does not want to see us reconciled. I know he will do all he can to thwart God's plans. I will continue to pray. But God is working in all the hearts in this family. I can see Him at work. I know if God is with us nothing can stand against! That is reason to praise!!!

John Lesson 1

"But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." John 20:31

Key word - Believe

Why do we need to believe? So that we may have LIFE in his name.

Not any life, an abundant life that begins the minute we believe.

What does it mean to believe?

Here is the definition from Noah Webster's 1828 edition of the dictionary.

Belief: n. 1. A persuasion of the truth, or an asent of mind to the truth of a declaration, proposition or alledged fact, on the ground of evidence, distinct from personal knowledge; as the belief of the gospel; belief of a witness. Belief is opposed to knowledge and science.

Believe: v.t. to credit upon the authority or testimony of another; (the testimony of John , authority given to him by Jesus Himself. It is the same authority given to us when we choose to believe!) to be persuaded of the truth of something upon the declaration of another, or upon evidence furnished by reasons, arguments and deductions of the mind, or by other circumstances, than personal knowledge. When we believe upon the authority of another, we always put confidence in his veracity. When we believe upon the authority of reasoning, arguments, or a concurrence of facts and circumstances, we rest our conclusion upon their strength or probability, their agreement with our own experience. 2. To expect or hope with confidence; to trust.

Believe: v. i. To have a firm persuasion of any thing. In some cases, to have full persuasion, approaching to certainty; in others, more doubt is implied. (This is see in the Gospel of John, many do believe, but those who should believe, those who knew the scripture, chose to doubt) It is often followed by in or on, especially in the scriptures. To believe in, is to hold as the object of faith. To believe on, is to trust, to place full confidence in, to rest upon with faith. But there is no ground for distinction.

What does the key word "believe" mean in John's Gospel? How is belief more than just agreeing with the facts or doctrine? (Lesson 1 Question 4)

It is more than personal knowledge. It is a conviction with in your heart. Because of the Bible, because of Jesus' veracity, because of the testimony of so many lives changed by Jesus recorded in this book, I BELIEVE, I am firmly persuaded, I am CERTAIN, with out doubt, that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and I can rest, I can trust, I can hope with confidence upon His strength, His rightness, His holiness, His perfectness, His ability, ....not my own!!! And by BELIEVING I may have LIFE in His name. Not just any kind of life, an abundant life. Abundant life does not begin when my earthly life ends, abundant life begins the moment I believe!

What kind of "life" is meant as John uses this word in 4:14? (Lesson 1 Question 5a.)

Definition of Life:

Life: n. 1. In a general sense, the state of an organized being, in which its natural functions and motions are performed, or in which its organs are capable of performing their functions. A tree is not destitute of life in the winter, when the functions of its organs are suspended. They are not strictly dead, till the functions of their organs are incapable of being renewed. 2. In man, that state of being in which the soul and body are united. 5. The manner of living; conduct; deportment, in regard to morals. 6. Condition; course of living, in regard to happiness and misery. 7. Blood, the supposed vehicle of animation. 10. Spirit; animation; briskness; vivacity; resolution 12. Exact resemblance 13. General state of man 18. In scripture, nourishment; support of life 20. The enjoyments or blessings of the present life 22. Eternal happiness in heaven 23. restoration to life 25. A quickening, animating and strengthening principle, in a moral sense.

Life has many definitions, but how is John using it in his gospel? A few things jumped out as I read through the definitions. Of course LIFE means ETERNAL LIFE, life after this life in heaven with Him. But this year I have come to realize, understand that LIFE also means NOW, here in the present life, the life I will live until I go to be with Him. I do eagerly anticipate LIFE with Him when this life is over. That is what my hope is built upon. That is how I get through this present life. But I have not thought about how believing in His name gives me LIFE in the present. Because I believe, there are many things I enjoy, many blessings in this present life. Enjoyments and blessings that I recognize are from God. Things for which I can praise and thank him. I am enabled to see His glory here on earth. Seeing His glory, His goodness, His blessings here in this life makes me anticipate the things in the life to come even more. Something else in the definition of life stood out to me, EXACT RESEMBLANCE. When we choose to believe, He transforms our life, my life, into His exact resemblance. We come to look like Him, reflect His light, His love, His glory. It does not happen overnight, it is a slow transformation. It is not fully completed until we with Him in heaven. But from the moment we believe until we are united with Him again, the transformation is taking place that transforms our life to be the exact representation of Him. That is an overwhelming thought. It is a humbling thought. I am so unworthy of such transformation, yet that is the life that He promises! He is transforming ME into His image. My past does not matter. I am forgiven. I am wash clean, forever white! I get to put on Christ's righteousness. I get ABUNDANT LIFE, here, now, forever!!!! The last thing that stood out in the definition was nourishment, support of life. When I am struggling, when I, in my humanness, fail, fall short it is because I am relying on my own strength, power, will. But when I believe I no longer have to rely on myself. My nourishment comes from the streams of living water flowing in those who believe, me!

Lecture 1

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

2 Timothy 3:15-17

Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation. For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

2 Peter 1:20-21

God's Word is trustworthy and without error.

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

John 14:26

I can trust the Scriptures. It is the Holy Spirit that guides me to knowledge and understanding.

The Scriptures through the Holy Spirit transforms my life.

But in order to learn more, I must ACT on that which He has already taught me!

Principles:

The Bible is the way to know Jesus Christ and have a relationship with Him

Spending time with Jesus results in intimace with Him and a transformed life

Notes - Lesson 1

Introduction to the Gospel of John

• John so precious to Christians because John reveals the person of Jesus so intimately and completely.


• John is a scholar's book, his underlying Christian philosophy and his mature insight delve into such mysteries as the interrelationship of the three persons of the triune God. Although simply expressed, these insights are so profound that the reader is made to stand in awe as on the edge of a boundless sea. (Looking back I do stand in AWE!)

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14

Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. John 14:9

For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. John 17:2-3

• If you want to understand the true meaning of life, if you seek to have eternal life, if you long to know God, you will FIND ALL THESE desires fulfilled in the person of Jesus Christ as He is revealed in the Gospel of John.


• If as a Christian you CRAVE the more "abundant life" that springs from within and flows forth in rivers of living water to those who touch you ( the fullness of the Holy Spirit promised in 7:38-39), you must recieve the the words of the book of John.

Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him. John 7:38

• John wrote this book so that I may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing I may have life in his name. (John 20:31)


• John called himself "the disciple whom Jesus loved," not from pride but from humility because Jesus loved all His disciples. This deep satisfaction in the love of Jesus became the core of John the disciple's existence.

John

• Jew


• from northern province of Galilee


• region noted for liveliness, industry, independence and warlikeness


• Comparing with Judea (southern province), Galilee much more free of prejudice.


• Receptive to new ideas, more open to immediate realization of truth when they met it


• Judea more oppressed by strict religious authority of Jerusalem based teachers of law and Pharisees


• Brother James, father Zebedee, mother Salome


• Fisherman


• Salome, a woman of spiritual earnestness
• somewhat affluent (mk 1:20 - hired men; mt 27:55, mk 15:40-41 and lk 8:3 infer of resources used to minister to Lord; owned a house to which he took Jesus' mother)
• had connection with wealthy and infulential high priest


• John's life characterized by a quiet responsiveness to the truth, opening his heart to the Lord as a flower to the sun


• John did not have Peter's particular gifts. His talents and his mission were of a different and more inward nature.


• John rarely spoke unless he had to


• extremely reserved, quiet and lived mostly within himself
• kept himself in the background, observing, contemplating, drinking in the love and the light expressed in the life of his Master and responding to Him - with a profound, understanding love.


• passionate and violent temper that would burst out in explosions of sudden anger to everyone's amazement - Sons of Thunder


• disguised own name not to glorify himself but to exalt the tenderness of Him who had deigned to stoop so low


• John knew himself (as a believer saved by grace) as the object of the most amazing love


• Everyone who loves the Lord's truth will receive it, for to the person who sincerely loves truht there will be an intuitive recognition that this is true, even before this truth is proved.


• John more than anyone else points on the one hand to the most intimate life with the person of the Lord Jesus, OPEN TO EVERY BELIEVER

Matthew presents Christ as the Lion of Judah - the King. Special emphasis given to Christ's person in view of past prophecies

Mark presents Christ as the Ox - the burden bearer, God's Servent, who came not to be served but to serve. Primarily a Gospef of movement, of present action, of anecdotes.

Luke presents Him as God's ideal Son of Man becoming man in order to save man. Links events with the names of governors, places and times when he rpesents Jesus the Son of Man in history.

John presents Him as the Eagle from Heaven, unique Son of God. Emphasizes the deity of Christ.

Prayer Request: to seek to find the heart of Jesus

Share Day

Yesterday was share day at BSF. I have always gone, but never shared, until yesterday. I knew God was calling me to share, but I am not sure I would have ever done it on my own. It took the courage of a lady in my group for me to go to the front. We will call the lady D. The background information is as follows.

When I was an assistant principal, one of my many encounters with parents was with D. D was the parent of an older son, and a set of twins. I had worked with D on many occasions with one of her twins. Those encounters were always positive. Toward the end of my four years the other twin made a poor decision which resulted in a harsh punishment. That encounter with D was not positive. That was my last encounter with D, her twins graduated from my school and moved on to the next school. I typically do not dwell on interactions with parents. As an assistant principal, I unfortunately deal with parents and teens at their lowest point. I am the face of that bad time. Seeing me often brings them back to that painful time. Usually I do not dwell on those encounters. Years later when I run into someone outside of school, I remember none of the painful memories. But there are a few interactions I do remember, and the last one with D is one of them. I had replayed it in my mind many times. Would I have said things differently? Was there a better way to handle the situation? I do not remember the punishment. I remember being sad. I remember being worried about the child who had made the poor choice. I felt bad my last interaction with the sweet woman ended with a bitter taste.

Fast forward several years. I had my two children. I was no longer working. I was attending the BSF day class. I ran into D in the hallway one Wednesday morning. In my mind, I went back to that last time in my office. I had a feeling she did too. There was NO one else around. I could not hide, but I knew I was not high on her list to see or talk to. We were both polite and exchanged pleasantries and went on our way.

Fast Forward to August of 2010. I went to Donna Wilbanks house to pick up my list of women for my discussion group. While I had been a BSF leader for many years, this was my first year to be a discussion group leader. It felt like the first day of school, getting to see who would be in my group. Would I know anyone? As I perused down my list of ladies, my heart dropped when I saw D's name on my list. I was fine with her being in my group, but felt she might not be fine being in a group with me. I was unsure of what to do. Should I say something to Donna?

Through the study of John I have been convinced without a doubt that God's plan will prevail. Man cannot thwart His plan. For that I am grateful. I have been in BSF long enough (and have participated in helping to place women into groups) to know human hands may place women into groups, but it is God who divinely assigns the women to the place He wants them to be. It is not chance or luck, it is God.

I had Kennedy with me that day at Donna's. Kennedy can be beastly at times, but this day she was particularly difficult and unruly. I was not able to stay and enjoy the coffee and fellowship at Donna's. I had to get my list and go because of Kennedy. Because of Kennedy, I could not have talked to Donna even if I had wanted to. I went to my car and I prayed about how to handle the situation. Looking back, I see it as part of His plan.

When you get your list of women, you are to call them, introduce yourself, let them know they have been placed in your group, and make sure they are still wanting to be in the study. So I made my calls. When I called D, I was hoping she would not recognize my married name. (I had dealt with her mostly when I was single.) She did not answer, so I left a message. I did not hear back from her. I went to Class Workshop, received further instructions about our calling. I still said nothing to Donna. I called D again, she did not answer, I left a message. I went to our first leader's meeting. I received further instructions about how to handle women we had not heard from. I called D again, she did not answer, I left a message. On the Tuesday before our first BSF meeting, I had a message on my from from D saying she had not been sure if she would be able to come this year but she would be there on Wednesday. I was so excited and relieved to hear that she would be coming.

On our first class day, I was nervous. We did not have a lesson to go over, we spent our time going around the circle telling about ourselves, our families, and how we came to BSF. When it was D's turn I tried to be as kind and positive as possible. We finished the first class day and went down to lecture. I breathed a sigh of relief.

BSF had not started their under 2 program yet. Since Kennedy's 2nd birthday was the Thursday after our first BSF meeting and she could not attend until she was officially 2, I had to take Kennedy to a babysitter for the first class day. After lecture I was in a bit of a rush to pick up Presley in the children's program and then to go pick up Kennedy at Mrs. Campbell's house. As I am walking toward the children's area, I hear someone call my name. I stop and turn around and see that it is D. I know I looked rushed. D said she had wanted to talk to me, but it looked like it may not be a good time. I felt terrible. I wondered if I should have slowed down and taken the time to talk to her right then. I felt the struggle inside. But deep down I knew what she wanted to talk about, I knew it did not need to be a rushed conversation, I knew I would have a hard time fully concentrating on her because I would be worrying about my children. We agreed that I would give her a call. Looking back, I believe delaying the conversation was a part of God's plan. D would need to have a conversation with her brother before she talked with me.

I called D the next day. She did not answer, I left a message. I called her again on Tuesday when I made my phone calls to all of my ladies. She did not answer, I left her a message. I knew she would not be in class the next day. She had told me her brother would be in town for the day only and she would be spending time with him. I waited until the next Tuesday to call D again, but this time I chose to text her instead. This is what I wrote:
"Debbie, it is DeAnne Thomas from BSF. Just wanted to touch base with you.
Would love to talk to you. Call me if you have a chance."

This time I heard a response,
"Hi Deann. Sorry we are out of town. I will call You tomorrow if ok. Thanks. D"

She did call me the next day, but I was not home. I saw her on Wednesday in class.
I had a double group because one of the other leaders was out. When group was over and we were about to head back for lecture, D asked if I had a few minutes. We were able to talk. She shared with me that she was not sure if she was going to be able to be in my group. Because of our last encounter with her child six years earlier she had been harboring anger towards me. When she saw me in the foyer the semester before and realized I was in the same BSF class with her, she had talked with her brother and former leader over the summer telling them she thought she would need to quit BSF because she did not think she could sit in the same group with me and share. Her former leader encouraged her to stay in. Her brother's response was, "You know what is going to happen don't you? She is going to be in your group!" When she met with this brother the week before and told him not only was I in her group I was her leader, he was not surprised at all. Her brother asked what she wanted to say to me, what she wanted to happen. D did not know the answer. But in talking to me, she felt a load lifted. We both shed tears, we hugged. I told her I did not want to be a stumbling block for her, but I did not want her to quit BSF. If she felt she needed to move to another group I would understand. We talked about how Satan did not want her to be here to hear God's Word, but it was important for her to be here. D did not grow up in a church hearing God's Word. She just started to study God's Word in BSF just a year earlier. D agreed that she did need to be at BSF and in God's Word. We agreed to be praying about the situation.

D decided to stay in my group. She was such a blessing. She needed to be here. She had some difficult family struggles this year. She needed to know she had the support and prayers of the women in our group. One of the more mature Christian women in our group took D under her wing. What a blessing to watch.

D was so kind. Sending me sweet texts about how much she appreciated me. She gave my girls an Easter gift (a sweet book about Easter eggs and resurrection eggs). She wrote me a sweet note at the end of the year. She shared her story at our last fellowship and many in the group encouraged her to share it on share day. D said she did not think she could. I told her I would be happy to stand with her if she chose to share.

D courageously chose to share her struggle and how God was victorious. I was humbled that she asked me to stand with her. God is so good to restore. It is only God. Not by might, not by power, but by thy Spirit!

D was divinely placed in my group for a reason. Not just for her, but for me. If D had chosen not to come, not to talk to me, she would never had experienced the joy that comes with geniune forgiveness. If I had chosen to talk to Donna when I realized D was in my group and asked for her to be moved to another group, I would have prohibited the work God wanted to do in my heart and in D's. Instead, both of us chose to abide in the Lord and His provision, His grace, His mercy and were able to experience His Hand at work in us. An unbelievable and life-changing experience. I am thankful He allowed me to be a part!

Abiding

The theme for the study of John this year was ABIDING.
God is so good, He knows exactly what we need.
Though we sing "Abide with me" the problem is not God abiding in me but the opposite.
Why is it so difficult for me to abide in Him?
Fear? Self Focus? Impatience? Control issues? Not daily dying to self?
Dwelling in His love, obeying His commandments should not be that difficult, yet it is.
Being in the study of John has enabled me to dwell in His love almost daily which helped to refocus my eyes on Him, His Will and His plan.
Looking back at the unexpected challenges that I faced this year (extended family issues, health issues) I did my best to abide in Him and the result was His perfect peace. I experience joy even in the sorrow. Through cloud and sunshine I felt His love. Tears had no bitterness. Any gloom encountered, He was there to point me to Him. I have felt the Lord's abiding in me this year. How sweet is has been.

I know to remain in Him I must daily die to myself so I can dwell in His love which will enable me to obey His commands.
Today I will choose to Abide in Him!


Notes from BSF Workshop Below:

ABIDE:
Continuing without change, enduring, steadfast
Enduring, Imperishable
Unending, Unchanging, Unshakable
to remain, continue, to stay
to have one's abode, dwell, reside
to continue in a prticular condition, relationship, last
to endure, sustain, withstand without yielding or submitting
to wait for, await
REMAIN,WAIT, DWELL
To wait patiently for
To remain in place
To conitune to be sure, firm
Endure
To dwell or sojourn
to act or behave in accordance with or in obedience to

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;

The darkness deepens;

Lord, with me abide;

When other helpers fail and comforts flee,

Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;

Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;

Change and decay in all around I see—

O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour;

What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?

Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?

Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;

Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;

Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?

I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;

Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;

Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;

In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me

The Lord is unchanging, He does ABIDE in me. He does not leave or forsake me. I have nothing to fear, no foe, no gloom, no darkness. He is always with me, always guiding me. The problem is not Lord abiding with me, the problem is me abiding in Him.

Abiding- Offering ourselves completely to Him

I John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Titus 3:4-5

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.

Romans 12:1

1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.

Abundant Life is measured by HOW I ABIDE in HIM.

But how do I abide, remain, endure, wait, dwell????

1. Dwell in His love- His perfect LOVE that drives out fear

2. Obeying His commands

When I abide in Him, when I dwell in His love and obey His commands the focus changes from self to God.

The mark of abiding is what comes out of my mouth.

Abiding in Him effects the way I think, act and speak.

The unexpected challenges that I face and how I respond will show me how well I am abiding in Him.

When I abide in Him

......I recognize my need for God's empowering and enabling.

.....I love others enough to help them abide in Christ.

.....My goal is a vibrant relationship with God for myself and for others.

.....I prayerfully lead others to abide in Christ.

.....enables me to trust in God's timing for the salvation of others.

.....enables me to discern opportunities to share the gospel.

Abiding in Christ means turning the conversation towards salvation.